


I Am Sam, Sam I Am Not

by ChaoticNeutral



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anti-Imprinting, F/M, Twilight Spitefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-17 05:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11269221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticNeutral/pseuds/ChaoticNeutral
Summary: They said imprinting makes the couple "perfect" for each other, that it makes the imprinter whatever the imprintee needs. They don't even know the half of it.Sam certainly didn't. Not until it was already too late.





	I Am Sam, Sam I Am Not

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the forum goers from long ago asked for a confrontation with Leah and Sam, and I delivered. This is that story. A lot of it is dialogue, but I think it catches the real feelings quite well. This is something I've considered for a while now about imprinting.
> 
> BE WARNED: it's scary and disturbing and depressing at the same time. Not far from the usual for my Twilight-related works.

* * *

**I AM SAM, SAM I AM NOT**

* * *

Sam Uley was pissed. No—BEYOND pissed. And Leah Clearwater was the source of it all, yet again.

It had started over a week ago when he had returned home to find a dead vampire on his front lawn and a traumatized Emily in the living room. He didn't know or care who had taken out the vamp at the time, he was just happy that his love was all right.

But she wasn't all right. Though the vampire hadn't hurt her too badly, she was shaken up after the incident and nothing he could do or say seemed to be able to calm her. He eventually found that it had been Leah who saved her, but any gratitude he felt towards his ex vanished when Emily received a letter in the mail from Leah.

The wedding invitation they had sent her had been returned, ripped in half.

Emily had locked herself in her room and refused to come out. Sam, of course, was pissed and decided to track down and take out his anger on the one who caused the mess.

How DARE Leah? They had offered her a spot of honor at their wedding as sort of an attempt to mend bridges and she turned it back on them. Worst of all, she upset Emily. Yet again. It was like Leah was trying to do everything possible to hurt the woman he loved. Revenge maybe? Was she really that spiteful?

Remembering the time when she had still been in his pack, he grimaced. Yes, yes she was. The bitch just couldn't stand not getting her way. Well, he had some things to say to her and he was not going to leave until she apologized for what she did and everything was right with Emily again.

It didn't take him too long to find her. Part of him wondered if she knew he was coming. It was like she was waiting for him, watching the sun begin to set at "their" old spot near the cliffs. He growled and stormed up to her.

"Leah, what the hell is the matter with you?" He demanded.

"Hello to you, too." She replied, not bothering to face him. Somehow, he could tell she was rolling her eyes and that just angered him even more.

"Don't you act flippant with me!" He shouted. "What were you thinking, sending back the invitation like that and upsetting Emily?!"

Leah sighed. "It's always Emily with you, isn't it?"

He clenched his fists. "Dammit, you mean you STILL aren't over that? You and I aren't together anymore. Get over it! I'm with Emily now. Emily and I are going to be married in a couple of months and she will be Mrs. Sam Uley. If you can't accept that then—"

He was cut off by the sound of her laughing. It was low, disdainful, and in a way, weary. Sam stared at her in complete confusion, wondering what she was laughing about and if she had finally lost her mind.

After several seconds, her laughter died and she began speaking, smirking at him from over her shoulder. "That all sounds nice, but it's making a rather big assumption."

He glared at her. "And that would be...?"

"That you're Sam Uley."

That made no sense. Maybe she had lost her mind. "Of course I'm Sam Uley!" He retorted, annoyed. "Who else could I be? That's only who I've been all my life!"

Leah raised an eyebrow at him, mockingly. "Oh really?"

He shook his head, realizing he was getting off track and drawing back his anger to complete the mission he had set for himself. "Leah, you really upset Emily, and I've tolerated it before, but you've gone too far this time! She's really hurt over this and you seem to always be looking for ways to cause her pain. I know you're upset over our breakup, but—"

"What's your favorite color?" Leah asked, not seeming to care that she was interrupting him yet again.

He froze, thrown off by the sudden change of topic, and blinked a few times. "What?"

"Your favorite color. Name it."

Uncertain, he answered without thinking. "Blue." Emily's favorite dress was blue. She was wearing it the day he imprinted on her, as well as on their first date. She always looked lovely in that dress.

He broke out of his daydream of Emily in her blue dress when he saw Leah frowned at his answer, though he couldn't understand why. Before he could question her on it, she started speaking again.

"What's your favorite song?"

"It's 'You Are My Sunshine'." Emily would sing that while cooking dinner or cleaning up around the house. It was one of her favorites, and he loved hearing her sing.

Leah's frown deepened, but she didn't let up. "Where's your favorite place to go?"

"My house." Emily was starting to grow a garden there. They already had a room for them both set up and ready for them once they're married.

"What's your favorite movie?"

"The Notebook." He and Emily would cuddle up on the couch while watching that movie. She'd always cry at the end and he'd take her hand in his and she'd give it a little squeeze.

"Your favorite food?"

"Roast beef." Emily made the best roast beef, with all the right spices and everything. Actually, he loved everything she cooked, but she would make roast beef.

Leah gave a sigh and looked away from him as though already coming to a conclusion. But she did not stop her questions. "What you like to do for fun?"

"Dancing." He and Emily would go out dancing on few of their dates. She always enjoyed it so much, twirling and moving as though she were floating across the floor. Always being in close contact with him, with their eyes never straying from each other...

"What are your dreams for the future?"

"I'm going to marry Emily and raise a family here with her. I already have a job lined up. We're going to have three little girls named Rose, Megan, and Leah." He stated with a bit of vindictiveness, knowing it would set her off.

But Leah didn't rise to the bait. She simply sat there. "I see."

He growled, annoyed by this point. "What do any of these questions have to do with anything?"

"I have just one more question."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well? Go on already." The sooner this stupid interrogation was over, the sooner he could get back to helping Emily.

She turned to face him and stared him straight in the eye. "Tell me, how many of those answers didn't center around Emily in some way?"

Sam froze. Emily's dress, Emily's cooking, Emily's desire for a happy homelife...he didn't give a single answer that didn't pertain to her somehow. But he's happy and in love, so what's wrong with that? "What does any of this have to do with anything?!" He demanded, indignantly.

Leah sighed, already knowing the answer even though he didn't say it aloud. "I told you before. This only proves it. I always thought that imprinting fucks things up, but I never actually understood just how badly before." She looked up at him. "It took me so long to realize the truth, but now I get it. You're not Sam Uley."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh please. Just because I chose Emily over you, you're trying to justify yourself with this? By all means, Leah, if it makes you feel better, tell me. How am I not Sam Uley?"

She spoke strongly, and without hesitation. "Sam Uley's favorite color is black because it's the color of the car his dad used to drive. His favorite song is 'Carry on My Wayward Son' by Kansas. His favorite place to go..." She trailed off, gesturing to their surroundings, "was here, to watch the sun set because it helped him think. His favorite movie was Shawn of the Dead because of it's complete lack of intellectual value and that he and his friends could laugh over the movie and discuss and debate their 'zombie plans'. His favorite food was those greasy french fries served at the old McAllen's Diner, topped with more chili than they should reasonably have and just a little bit of cheese. He loved to draw and paint because it's something he picked up while spending time with his mom as they both tried to recover from his dad leaving. His plans for the future involved leaving for college and seeing the world. His dream was to someday become a famous artist. And eventually, he wanted to have kids—sons, hopefully."

He stood, frozen. That wasn't right. None of that was right. But he couldn't stop himself from thinking back. Yes, he could remember those things, but it was like they had been so long ago. He had forgotten all about them. And though he was reminded, he felt no attachment. Those things didn't matter anymore. He shrugged. "Things change."

She glared at him. "These are basic things that help make up who we are. And they are things that do not change in the course of a day. Some, maybe, but not EVERYTHING. Because when EVERYTHING about a person changes...that person isn't the same person anymore."

Sam shook his head, disbelieving. "That's ridiculous! You don't get it because you've never imprinted, but it's...world changing! I'm still me! Just...whole!"

Leah laughed. "Whole? Please—you've never been less of a man than you've become since you imprinted. The Sam I knew was by no means perfect. He was stubborn to a fault—if it came to something he cared about, he would have fought for it." She took a shaky breath. "Sam would have fought off the imprint for me. For his friends. For his family. But above all, he would have fought for himself. He wouldn't have let his focus be centered solely on a girl he didn't even know and cause her harm for turning him down. The Sam I knew was strong. He had an inner drive that I admired."

She smiled sardonically. "Because a major difference between Sam Uley and you is that Sam never simply rolled with the punches. He fought for what he wanted. You don't have that. You have none of his spirit. None of his passion. None of his zest for life. You have nothing to strive for. You're going to stay here in La Push to the end of your days, working at a dead end job you secretly hate, and playing at being a good husband; because that's what Emily wants. Nevermind that you never wanted to be stuck pumping gas here. Nevermind that you wanted to go to college and get a degree and DO something with your life. Just forget that you ever even wanted anything for yourself, because what Sam Uley wants is not what Emily Young wants. And when it comes to imprinting, it’s all about what Emily wants, isn’t it? Nothing else matters, right? Not prior relationships. Not previous interests. And not personal dreams."

She gave a sigh and turned back to the cliffs. Sam felt he should say something—anything—but just couldn't find the right words. She was wrong. She had to be. This was what he wanted. Emily was what he wanted. Imprinting was the best thing that had happened to him. Sure, he broke off a good thing with Leah. So he'd be staying in La Push instead of going off to college like he had originally planned. And what did it matter that he didn't do art anymore? He just lost interest, is all. Dancing was more fun. But he couldn't deny that it all happened once he imprinted on Emily. Emily didn't care much for art. Emily wanted to stay in La Push. Emily wanted to listen to corny love songs and watch chick flicks, and he never minded because it was Emily and it made her happy. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

There was no answer forthcoming. They simply remained like that for a few minutes, neither saying anything, with Leah watching the sun set and Sam watching Leah.

"I loved Sam Uley." Leah stated out of the blue, startling Sam. She spoke with complete sincerity. He knew she wasn't faking it, and it worried him. "I still do. And I always will." She stood up from her spot and faced him fully. Sam's breath hitched. No wait...he wasn't actually hoping for something, was he?

Leah shook her head, oblivious to his thoughts. "But the fact of the matter is that you're just not Sam Uley. Not anymore, and maybe never again. You may have his name. You may have his face and his voice and his skin, but all the little things that made Sam who he was...that made him SAM are gone. Imprinting does more than keep the family line going or find you that 'one and only' in your life." She took a breath, and Sam could almost swear she was holding back from crying. "Imprinting strips you of everything you are to make you into what someone else wants you to be.

"Emily wanted the storybook love with a partner who would make her the center of his life. Who'd like the things she'd like and be interested in everything she wanted to do. She never had any big plans for her life—happy to simply be the dutiful housewife and take care of the kids while the hubby goes out and earns the dough. She likes to see herself as a sort of princess, and this was like a dream come true for her. She's got a knight who will defend her from everything she doesn't want to fight or deal with herself...even the big bad 'witch' who tries to point out the problems with her story." Leah chuckled a bit at that, humorlessly and in self-depreciation.

Sam reached out, uncertain, but Leah backed up and turned away from him, starting to pace.

"And I hate it. I hate everything about this! I hate Emily for making you into this to fit her vision of the perfect guy. I hate everyone else for being so blind to what it's really doing and harping on me for not seeing how 'beautiful' it is or accepting how it's 'meant to be'. But above all—more than anyone or anything else, I hate **you**." She spun around and pointed at him, causing Sam to jump back in surprise. "Not because you left me. Not because you broke my heart. But because you stole someone I love." She glared at him. "You killed him, and I can't even mourn."

Sam flinched back. He couldn't help himself. It's just...how could he possibly respond to that?

"I love the Sam Uley who would sneak to my bedroom window at night and just stay and talk with me till the morning came. The Sam who'd bring me ice cream to cheer me up when I was mad or depressed. The Sam I could read like an open book who would still somehow manage to surprise me at times and keep me guessing. The Sam who I could just sit next to for hours on end and feel like we've said everything we need to let each other know, even though neither of us spoke a word..."

Her hands dropped to her sides, fists clenched as she started shaking. "But because of you, I'm never going to see that Sam paint another picture that looks so real I'd almost think I could reach out and touch the actual thing. I'm never going to hear him make stupid arguments about how it'd be better to head for Alaska or hole up in a fort to deal with the zombie hordes." She laughed a little at that, remembering, but the smile quickly faded. "I'm never going to see that look in his eyes...and that soft, serene smile he gets when he watches the sunset."

She couldn't help it. The tears started to fall, and heaven help him, but all he wanted to do at that moment was wipe them away. But damn it all, he just couldn't bring himself to. Leah simply watched, and he wondered if she knew what he was feeling. He never was able to know for sure.

"He wasn't just 'my Sam'. He was SAM. The one and only Sam he'd ever need to be. But he just vanished one day and was replaced by **YOU** : a Sam who'll give up on everything he's ever wanted without a second thought, who'll hurt others without concern as to their feelings, and who likes to prance around and act like a big shot because he's got alpha wolf powers." She wiped the remaining traces of the tears away. "As far as I'm concerned, you're not Sam Uley. And I finally see now that he's gone for good."

His eyes widened. And maybe, just maybe at that moment...he understood.

"It's obvious that he just isn't here anymore, so there’s no point in me sticking around in the hopes that some day he'll come back." Leah was drained. She was tired. And worst of all, she was finally, FINALLY giving up on him.

He suddenly felt cold. "What do you mean?" That couldn't be right. It just couldn't. Leah never gave up. Not on him. Not on _them_. But it's what he's wanted her to do since he and Emily became official, so why did it hurt so much when he finally got his wish?

She stared at him, blankly. "I'm leaving. I'm leaving you. The pack. La Push. Everything. I'm tired of it all. I can't keep trying to be the foil for the rest of you and hope that maybe some of you will wake up and realize what you're doing to yourselves." The left corner of her lips turned up, possibly some last show of the old Leah he'd ever see. "I've lost a lot to this wolf thing. My love, my dad, and even my own body. But I still have my dreams. I'm not going to lose those, too. So I'm leaving, just like we planned, once upon a time. I'm going to go to a university, get a job, and make a life for myself."

"You still want to continue with what we planned?" Sam breathed, amazed.

"Yes," Leah replied. "But I'm doing it without you."

Somehow, the thought of that hurt. "...What...?"

"I wanted to go with Sam. Live with Sam. Grow old and gray and wrinkled with Sam." She smiled wistfully at that for a moment before she remembered herself and her eyes hardened. "But again, you're not Sam. And I've spent enough time believing you were him and waiting for you to wake up and return to normal. But I understand now that it's just not something that's going to happen. And that's fine for you, but just because you've given up on it all doesn't mean I will. I'm leaving to accomplish my dreams and maybe, someday, find love of my own. REAL love. Not imprint love. Because I believe there's more to true love than seeing someone at random and having them become the center of my universe. I LIKE my free will, thank you very much, and I want someone who'll accept me and love me for ME—flaws and all—and not just the ideal they want me to be." And there was the old Leah. The Leah with the indomitable will and passion for life that he fell in love with so very long ago. Part of him—some part deep down that remained of the old Sam wanted nothing more than to take her hands in his and go with her. But his mind was filled with Emily and the very thought of being away from her was inconceivable.

It was as though Leah knew that, too. But she clearly wouldn't cut him any slack for it. "So no, I won't be around for the wedding. At the very least, I felt I should say goodbye in person. I suppose I owe you that much. But I'm not going to stick around to watch you all celebrate the death of someone I care about in the union between his leftover shell and the one who made him that way." She smiled with false pleasantry and spoke in a detached and formal tone, as if speaking to a stranger. "So this is goodbye, Mr. Uley. May you and Mrs. Uley have a pleasant life together."

And like that, with those final words, it was like a weight was finally off her shoulders. She turned and walked away, and Sam wanted to do something—grab her! Call her back! Anything! It's not true! Show her it's not true! He still cares about her! He still wants those things! He’s not a soulless thing trapped in someone else’s fantasy! He still dreams! All he had to do was reach out and touch her to prove that. But again, he found himself unable to act, and could only watch as she walked away from him for good, and whistling THAT song of all things.

And he realized this was it. This was the last piece of his old life walking away from him. And just like with everything else, he could only watch it fade away. But even as Leah disappeared into the distance, he could hear her singing it now. It wasn't joyful or beautiful, and he tried to convince himself it was better when Emily sang it.

"For if you leave me to love another...you'll regret it all someday..."

Then maybe he could pretend that his heart wasn't breaking.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...  
You make me happy when skies are gray...  
You'll never know dear...how much I love you...  
Please don't take my sun-shine away..."

**Author's Note:**

> Because if, as the shifters said, the imprint will make the wolves "anything she wants", then who are they anymore?
> 
> ...Yeah, not sorry.


End file.
